sigh...so this is it...

i guess so..... not sure why i am doing this really. maybe i wanted to release my sadness out there, like i need someone to listen. i need someone to listen. im starting to feel like im wearing out the ears of the people that i tell. the more i talk though the better i feel. at least while im talking i feel better. ive been going through hell. this has been way way too hard. people are telling me to paint. to draw. to keep busy at work and tattoo my ass off. youd think that would be good advice. eh. not to much. its way to hard to be creative right now. my heart aches and aches and just aches. when i do any of those things its when my mind wanders the most. my mind has only one place to go these days and it goes to my memories of her. i go through motions painting drawing or tattooing. that might not make any sense to some people that i dont concentrate so much on what im painting or tattooing while im doing it. i try and tell them its kinda like that saying not seeing the forest for the tress. or how ever that saying goes. so while im at work im tattooing....and im thinking. we had our first kiss in the parking lot in front of the shop. ....im tattooing this guy and im choking it back. tears start welling up...i shouldnt even be at work.
the night she left me i wrote a letter to her and i felt better. but now that i think about it i wasnt sure if the writing made me feel better or the idea and small hope that she would take me back after she read it made me feel better.
i have this crazy empty feeling in my chest thats heavy at the same time. i cant breathe. its crushing me. im in love and its KILLING me......